Lead Balloon

The Pull of the Moon
January 25, 2008, 2:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

My boobs are not the same anymore. It’s just the truth, and I feel the need to write about it. It’s been on my mind for the past few days because yesterday I was forced to create a posting on Craigslist.org to sell two brand new dresses I bought from JCrew.com. I bought them online because I was having a hard time making it to the mall the week of my friend Mary’s wedding. I did all my Christmas shopping online for the same reason, and that turned out to be successful, so I thought, WHY NOT!? I even bought them in a size larger than I would normally wear.

Neither of them fit. Not because my body is too big, I could get the dresses on my actual person. (I would have thrown myself onto my bathroom floor and cried for four days, refusing food and water and self-medicating with gin straight from the bottle if that were the case.) And it wasn’t because my boobs are too big, necessarily. It’s because my boobs packed up their shit in their “Going to Grandma’s” suitcase and took residence a couple inches south on my torso.

This wouldn’t be such a bad thing, if I didn’t like my boobs so much the way they were. I really liked them. Along with the fact that I am not in any way prone to foot odor, I thought my boobs were one of my best characteristics. Everything else, I hate and am completely self conscious about…But the boobs were fine. Many women don’t like theirs. But I liked mine. They were the right size, the right shape…They were just right.

So that brings me to this…There are a lot of things that the books don’t tell you when you’re reading about pregnancy. Lots of books have one of those “pregnancy myths” sections where they try to debunk the rumors that negative, pissy, bitter pregnant women put out about how awful pregnancy is. And let me be the first to tell you – a lot of women like to complain about it. It’s a wonder that anyone ever gets pregnant! (Assuming that the actual pains of pregnancy and childbirth are a deterrent to having unprotected sex. Ha!) But I truly enjoyed pregnancy. I loved the way I felt and how I looked. I loved it.

It’s POST-pregnancy that sucks. If you didn’t have a precious baby to show for that Jello-mold of a body you’re left with…No one would do it. So anyway, the books always state the question, “Will my breasts be the same, should I decide to breastfeed?!!?” And the book always answers….”YES, they go back to normal, nothing to worry about! Carry on, mate!”


And I didn’t even breastfeed. (I know, the horror!)

Anyway. The dresses had this shape and style that required that my boobs be all perked up into what feels like my larynx…And no amount of tape or squeezing was going to cut it. Because we all know I won’t do anything in the name of style that requires that kind of effort. I’d love to say that’s because I’m a mom now, and I don’t have the time to really focus on style and trends. But the truth is, I just don’t give a shit. I am not a fashionista.

Thankfully, that’s one of the reasons Todd loves me. That, and my awesome taste in socks. I’m too afraid to ask him what he thinks of the new ta-ta’s. He spent the entire nine months of my pregnancy saying to my stomach, “Come OUT little baby, I want to play with you!”

I guess some hobbies are just simply replaced with new ones.


1 Comment so far
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I found I wrote about boobs a lot after having a baby.

Comment by jen

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