Lead Balloon

House of Phlegm
April 17, 2008, 4:37 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

If you’re thinking of visiting us anytime in the next six months, prepare to pack your haz-mat suit. At any given time, at least one of us is sick. And this includes Jack, who has been sneezing for the past week non-stop.

They say that kids in daycare bring home all sorts of yummy germs and share them with others in the family…Apparently Natalie is a virus magnet. That, and, we’ve all apparently got allergies like no other family in the world. Sometimes it starts as allergies then moves into other places of our bodies to cause major malfunction…Sometimes it’s just a virus that one of us has picked up because we’re not constantly washing our hands with the anti-bacterial soap that is the root of all evil and probable cause of all sickness anyway…

The most recent bout with all of this started with the little girl. She had a bit of a runny nose, some head snot and sneezing (seemed like allergies). Then it moved to her eyes. Daycare, like us, clearly hadn’t heard that a cold can move into the eyes and the snot in your head can start seeping out of your eye sockets, so they sent her home telling us she had pink eye and couldn’t return without a doctor’s note. So then we headed to Galveston for Todd’s triathlon where we all slept in a hotel room together, in a bit of a climate change. My throat got sore, my head got snotty. We got back, I battled it with some OTC meds and noticed Natalie’s phlegm had moved into her chest. Lots of coughing. We started the breathing treatments and by Friday, she was running fever and ready to go BACK to the doctor for a visit.

Double ear infection. Yep, that same snot that can seep out of your eye sockets can move into your chest and back up into BOTH ears and cause major misery. Got her some antibiotics and prepared for a night of even less sleep. And wouldn’t you know it, two hours later I was calling Todd to come home because the funk had hit me suddenly and I was stuck to the couch with a high fever and full body aches, praying to the phlegm gods to please leave my family alone. Todd got home and took care of us all weekend. Good news for him is that Natalie’s a much better patient than me. I feel as if I’m dying, she is smiling as if both of her ears aren’t pounding with relentless pain. I guess hypochondria isn’t as hereditary as I thought.

Sure enough, a few days later Todd gets it.

At that point, we decided to check into this Neti Pot thing we keep hearing about. For the love of God, unless you like the way it feels when you get a shitload of water up your nose while you’re swimming in salt water, please don’t try this. Not worth it. I don’t care what anyone tells you. Water goes in one nostril and out the other – by some connection that you really don’t want to know anything about…trust me. I was hoping I’d see a lot of snot come out the other side, like a good cleaning. No. It didn’t work. I’d rather someone pull at each of my nose hairs simultaneously with very sharp poop-scented tweezers.

We’re on the mend now. However I had trip to North Carolina this week and fear that the re-circulated air from the four planes I was on has shared with me some virus that I will pass on to my family for the next round…I’ve never lived in this kind of fear before.

Today I took Natalie in so that the doctor could re-check her ears and lungs to make sure she’s 100% better. She’s great – all clear. However he did take some time to explain to me, after looking at the rash on her arms and face, that what we’ve got here is a sensitive baby. The same “sensitivities” that cause these frequent skin rashes are tied to food allergies, hay fever, asthma…She’s got a nice road ahead of her. Sensitive. I’ll mark that on the list of things she actually DID get from me, along with her overbite and bigger-than-normal pupils.